Thursday, March 24, 2011

Meredith Baxter: The Ties That Unbind (continued)

By Christopher

It gives me great pleasure to present to you my book report on yet ANOTHER has-been celebrity who has decided to come out of the closet and sell books. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this "snarcastic" journey through Meredith Baxter's memoir, "Untied."

Before you get excited, "Untied" is NOT about Meredith's experience with lesbian bondage play. One could only wish it was that interesting. In fact, this first part of the "report" has NOTHING to do with her being a lesbian (aside from the opening where she having a flashback to her coming out on National Television.) I'm about 1/3rd through the book and so far, no wet naps were needed as a result of her addiction to cunnilingus. So let's begin:

Meredith begins her book by assuring us all that she has "told the truth as best" as she can recall "up to a point..." This means, that the manuscript was deemed BORING as hell by the publisher and they added a bunch of fake shit to make it readable. Thanks for the heads-up, Meredith. I think it should be on the cover as a warning.

In her Prologue, Ms. Baxter takes us to the night before she announced to the world that she had decided to become a lesbian. She finds herself sitting in a bathtub at the Four Seasons in Midtown (which she should be happy about because after 20 years of doing nothing but crap Lifetime Movies, she should be staying at the Holiday Inn Express!) While lathering her body with soap, bubbles and her partner Nancy's tongue, she is having a "meltdown." Would she be perceived as making a pathetic career move? Would she look desperate for attention? Would she be doing this to get out of her job on a WEB SERIES? I say, HELL YES!

Ironically, it was the web series that brought her to this point. All three of the viewers of the series started to ask questions when Meredith began to film on a LESBIAN CRUISE called "Sweet." Mare brought her partner of four years with her on the cruise, which left many lesbians in attendance curious about the "meow mix" that seemed to be going on between the two women. This information made it to the National Enquirer. To avoid a "salacious" coming-out story, she did what every person in need of attention does. She called Howard Bragman, the QUEEN of helping celebrities deal with their scandals, arrests, and coming out extravaganzas! Being the great publicist he is, Howard immediately booked her on the "Today" show and got her a spread ( no pun intended) in "People" magazine. Come to think of it, Bragman does this with ALL his clients who are coming out. Everyone gets on the "Today" show and appears on the cover of "People." Maybe he isn't that great after all. I could do that job...but I digress. Meredith didn't want to do these things. She wanted to take out an ad in the paper that said she was a lesbian. Howard must have realized that it would only be printed in the escort services section of the paper and persuaded her to agree. Next we find Meredith sitting opposite Matt Lauer and announcing to the world that she is in fact as lesbian. She described her "discovery" to the Land of Lesbos, "very late in life."

Because of that one moment in time, this book was made possible. I mean, WHO would want to read about Meredith Baxter if she wasn't a lesbian? I wouldn't. She knows it, which is why she tortured me with the next 100 pages of drivel from her childhood. To save you the HELL of having to read it, I will just go over a few parts that are somewhat juicy and interesting. If you find this boring, fuck you. I read this shit so you don't have to.

Whitney Blake with Shirley Booth and Don DeFore

Meredith was raised by a cold-hearted bitch of a mother who wanted nothing to do with her children. Meredith and her two older brothers were forced to call their mother by her stage name, "Whitney." Whitney Blake was a struggling actress who had kicked out Meredith's father when the children were very little. Whitney's only desire was to be a star. Like any slut trying to make it in Hollywood, Whitney slept with many, many men! Eventually, she wrapped her legs around Hollywood agent Jack Fields. They married and Meredith and her siblings moved with their mother out of their white trash digs into a nice Hollywood Hills Home (like any respectable human being.) With Jack's help, Whitney began to get roles in local theater. After dying her brown hair platinum blond and getting a nose job (like any serious actress,) she started to get bit roles on popular TV dramas. Her big break came when she was cast as a regular on the Shirley Booth vehicle "Hazel." Her part was crappy and Whitney constantly blamed Jack for destroying her career with getting her the part. Her dismay at her lack of good acting roles didn't stop her from enjoying the good life. Whitney enjoyed terrorizing her Guatemalan housekeeper by constantly ringing the bell for the poor woman to "meet her every need" (read into that what you will.) Meredith's mother continued to ignore her children. She was like Joan Crawford without the stardom and wire hangers. One day, poor Meredith got her first menstruation while swimming in the pool. She went to her mother who told her "tell Jack." Mare was devastated that she had to tell her stepfather to go and buy her Kotex!

Jack not only bought Meredith Kotex. He bought her sexy bathing suits that showed off her HUGE bosom. He also enjoyed being extremely inappropriate with her by trying to force his tongue down her throat on a few occasions. By this time, Meredith was a student at Hollywood High. LSD became Mare's favorite subject. She LOVED to trip on acid. While tripping on acid, she got her first role in a production at the school. Meredith decided that she wanted to become a classically trained singer. It didn't matter that she had as she said "little" talent in the singing department. Her stepfather was able to get her a space in the Interlochen Center For The Arts. Meredith was quite out of place here as she had no clue what classical music was. She was a joke to the other students who could sight read classical masterpieces in Latin! Because of her despair, Meredith did what most music students do when they need attention, they commit a half-assed suicide attempt. Miss Baxter snuck into the dorm when all the other students were at a mandatory campus concert, and stole Midol, asthma medication, and cold tablets from her dorm mates. She took them all in one gulp. Nothing happened to her, except for a little vomiting. However, she was kicked out of the school (most likely because she had no singing talent and stole everyone's drugs!)

Meredith finished high school and continued to trip on acid on a daily basis. She met a man named Bob, fucked him hard, and moved in with him. Our girl was so serious about her drugs, she'd do anything to get high. One time she decided to "smoke" a banana peel as she heard it was "mellow yellow." To her dismay, it did nothing and she wasted a good banana! One thing that did work for her was the swallowing the propylhexedrine saturated cotton balls of a Vicks "vapo inhaler." DELICIOUS!! It was cheap and gave her one hell of a speedy high!! Girlfriend was a drug fiend and would show up to her job tripping on acid. Because she was running from imaginary cartoon characters while at her job as a bookkeeper, she was fired. She did other odd jobs until once again, her use of LSD got her into trouble over and over again. Eventually, Bob knocked her up and they got married. They ended up having two children together, surviving on Bob's crappy paycheck from Ralph's Supermarket. After moving to Canada for a brief period of time to try "farming," then back to California where she sold Tupperware, she decided it was time to dump Bob's poor ass. It was time because he found her empty diaphragm case. Oh yes, she was fucking other guys and was using the diaphragm that very moment!

Though she claims she disliked her stepfather, she had no problem calling Jack to help her get roles in television. She even put up with him fondling her, anything for that role in Hollywood! Jack became her "agent" and sent her to various "auditions," which were more like casting couch appointments. Though Meredith claims she didn't want Jack to "pimp for her," she NEVER told him to stop. Eventually the whoring got her a role on the television show "The Interns."

Her role in "The Interns" got her an audition to be in a pilot called "Young Love," which was a spin-off of the "Doris Day Show." Though the pilot wasn't picked up, she got to work with Miss Day who as Meredith says was "orange." Miss Day's best days were behind her as she was now over 50. To keep her "looking fresh," Doris decided she should be as tan as possible. Using terracotta hued make-up, Doris made a modern day John Boehner look "Anderson Cooper pale." After the pilot failed, Meredith continued to be whorish and got roles as a guest star on various television shows. Eventually she was cast in the film "Ben" and became a popular choice for roles that needed a "hippie type." All that LSD use had finally come to good use! Meredith's life was about to change for the big time when she was offered a lead role in the new sitcom "Bridget Loves Bernie." Here she would meet her future husband David Birney.

Stay tuned: Meredith's battle with the bottle, her alleged abuse from David Birney, and possible lesbian sex with Tina Yothers awaits.

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