Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Lady Gaga's 'Born This Way' Video: A Gynecological Journey (continued)

I just got back from the emergency room. No worries, I’ll be ok. I just had to have treatment for TOXIC SHOCK after watching the tribute to Lady GaGa’s twat, also known as her video to her hit song “Born This Way.” Yes, I know that I’m about to be hated by a gaggle of gay men in their 20’s (along with aging queens) who think this woman shits gold. I believe they are called her “little fuckers” or something like that. I don’t understand you, just as I don’t understand the fascination with “The Black Spark” and his “spark plugs,” but I digress. Yes, she is a very talented musician with a great set of pipes. But, bitch please, she has lost her damn mind!

Thinking the video would be a “tribute” to the LGBT community, I sat down to watch the nearly seven and a half minute clip. Things started out nicely, with a lovely pink triangle that had a unicorn in the middle. I smiled, knowing she was paying tribute to all of us including the often left out trannies who, like the unicorn, are rare and wondrous with a touch of ancient magic and kinship of the gods! Immediately after, I was transported into a world that frankly I didn’t want to be in.

GaGa appears on the screen announcing that this is “The Manifesto of Mother Monster.” She takes us into the world of “G.O.A.T.” (a government owned alien territory) in outer space (that looks like the birth canal complete with fallopian tubes and ovaries.) What follows next can only be described as my worst nightmare.

As the mother of G.O.A.T, the infinite “births” of the good race, a race without any judgments or prejudices comes directly out of GaGa’s pussy! We see GaGa in stirrups and watch as space age lesbians fist her and bring out newly born whatever the hell they are to populate her dream world. But alas, all is not good in GaGa’s twat. Just as Mother GaGa was giving birth to all the good creatures, an evil look alike GaGa was also in the stirrups. This evil incarnation reached into her bearded oyster and pulled out a HUGE assault weapon that was so big it split her in two! I know some of you have had the same experience in your personal lives. Now that good and evil both occupy her world, the choice begins. Can we be good, or will we succumb to the evil that just fell out of her cat flaps?

Around the 2:30 mark, the song begins. Dancers in the “fallopian tube position” slowly wake as a nearly naked GaGa scampers around bringing them into her battle for good. As everyone dances to the beat, the “good mother” looks on with pride (while still being in the stirrups.) An interpretive dance inspires the mother of all things good to push out more positive, loving, and non judgmental beings out of her very worn out panty hamster. An orgy of flesh on flesh finishes out the song as everyone falls all over each other in lustful celebration.

I will give GaGa the courtesy to say that the only Madonna inspired incident was at the 6:53 mark when a gap toothed, bad cheek implant looking GaGa appears as the “evil mother” crying that she lost the war. Is this GaGa’s way of telling Madonna that she’s old and over for good? If so, let the war begin!

I saw more vagina in this video than I have seen in my entire life. I found the bitch's “g” spot. As a result, I needed to be debriefed immediately after the viewing by a trained professional. My only hope is that she got a pap smear while in the stirrups during the shoot. Time management is important for a pop star. Let’s hope she made the best of it!

Before you start making mean comments about me and try to kill me with your bullshit “emo” antics; I bought the song on iTunes. I like her, just not enough to have to look at her mud flaps for 7 and a half minutes.