Thursday, December 7, 2006

Converting to Judyism (continued)

While her professional life is on track, her personal life has been slightly more strenuous. After a painful breakup with a man she thought was The One ("Needless to say I want that pig dead"), a friend offered to fix up her. She decided to take a chance -- asking only that the man be taller than she is (a tiny 5'4") and "as cute as Nicolas Cage." ("Sure, I'd like a Josh Duhamel or Jake Gyllenhaal -- wouldn't we all -- but I'm realistic.")

"So this guy shows up and he's not quite as short as Yoda, but he's a foot shorter than me. Oh, and his head is twice as big as his body -- so essentially my friend set me up with a dwarf." The dwarf guy immediately told her he found her attractive but then quickly became aggressive -- insisting on knowing if she was "looking for marriage" or not. "So I've got this Dwarf With Attitude who's trying to ask me a question at this restaurant -- only I can't hear him because he only comes up to my knee caps. So I tell him -- 'You need to either get a megaphone or find a high chair and get the waitress to come over and prop you up in it, because I can't hear a word you're saying.'"

"I mean really. At least half my height -- that's my height requirement. I know my name is Judy but I'm not ready to walk down the Yellow Brick Road for a date."

After her failed dating comeback, she said she found herself feeling vulnerable and joined the It's Just Lunch dating service. ("Or as I refer to it," she explained, "it's just lies.") First there was disastrous matchup with a gruff cowboy type: "So Slingblade calls me and says, 'Do you like horses? Judy, Judy: Do you like horses?' I couldn't believe his voice so I put him on speakerphone so my girlfriend could hear him. 'Do you like horses?' he asked again. My girlfriend is cracking up and he says, 'I think I hear laughing over there. What is that?' So I tell him I'm just watching 'The View.' So he asks me if I've ever gone horseback riding and I tell him the last time I rode a horse was when I was 13 and I haven't sat down since. And, besides. I don't want to end up like Christopher Reeve."

After a few more bad matches the agency called her and assured her that they had finally found the right guy this time. "They said I know you've been disappointed, but this one's 5'11". He's a successful investment banker. Oh, and he flies his own plane." Just when they'd secured Judy's interest she said yes to the date -- then asked what his name was. "Mussad" they told her. "I said, listen: I'm not dating anyone whose name rhymes with jihad. They said, well won't you at least meet him? I said, Look -- this guy's a terrorist. If he wants to meet me he'll find me!" When the agency suggested she was being out of line she tried to explain to them that the truth of the matter was her mother is in her late 70s and wouldn't be able to accept the idea of her daughter dating someone named Mussad. "What am I gonna tell her. 'Mom -- this is my new boyfriend and he will fly us into any building we want.'"

I haven't seen Judy perform in a number of years, but if last night's chat was any indication, she's funnier than ever. Get tickets for "Mountain Girl: The Musical" here.