Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Singer Maria McKee further explores her coming out process

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So I’ve been in LA for over two months. As it averages out I spend about half my time here and half my time in London. Since coming out I have been embraced and I have passionately embraced a queer community in London of dozens of like minded and like hearted people who I call family and who inspire me daily. They keep in touch with me constantly while I am here and I would be lost without them. Because when I am here in LA, I am isolated and without like minded and like hearted community despite attempts at trying to connect which continue to fall achingly flat. I recently found out a pillar of the queer community is leaving LA because they are not comfortable being queer here. And they know virtually every gay in Los Angeles. I wrote to congratulate them as I view it as a radical act of self care. Since coming out I have searched desperately for the heart of this city that beats for queer liberation and in spite of knowing some folx here who share this passion, they’re set with their crew and I don’t feel comfortable trying to infiltrate. I’ve tried making friends via @personals but since it is primarily a dating account, it can be unnervingly awkward for someone like me, who is looking for platonic queer connections. I suppose Enitharmon and I could take the bus to Cuties and hover around trying to meet people, but as a straight coding middle aged conventionally presenting femme, I fear that I would be setting myself up for more “eats alone at the school cafeteria” feels. On the rare occasion that a divine queer visits from further afield, it is like a breath of life. But when the magick they leave behind settles, I find I am again waiting and searching and praying for community. Being isolated half of my time alive can’t be healthy. Especially for someone who battles mental illness daily. I imagine leaving LA is the answer. But it has always been my home. I’m rooted in California at least 6 generations deep. I’ve got spirit work here that won’t be left. And I actually do really love so many things about LA. But the isolation is a killer. Thank Goddxss I’m booking my flight back to London this week. Only 4 more weeks of this darkness.
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Sending my love from the (212). 

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So I’m turning 55 today. This birthday feels different. I don’t feel old, but definitely lived in. Most of my friends and family are in London so I haven’t made any plans and will probably just have a quiet dinner with J. I saw no one all week apart from a friend who is in town, a powerfully gifted young queer artist and mystic healer who channels divine energy work into their tatu practice. This unique modality helped to gently disperse some stagnant grief and open requisite pathways. It was deeply affecting. Since coming out, I look around to find that most of the people I become close to now, are a good deal younger than I am. In a strange way when I left my straight life behind to keep family and honor desire as a queer woman, I feel like I also parted company with my generation to some extent as well. I want to keep learning and I feel the most alive and spiritually fulfilled when I am in sacred communion with the young folx in my life who are teaching me how to surrender to the flow of being present and engaged truthfully and intimately with queerness. And being. And birthing. It is a unique kind of Magick. To nurture is primal. To allow oneself to be nurtured takes humility. The older I become the more I feel I am beginning again over and over. I seek to remain open💫💫💫
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